Archive | August, 2011

My Totally Irrational / Rational Fears

31 Aug

1. Quicksand. Ever since first learning about quicksand its haunted me. I just know I’d be one of those people who would panic and make the situation worse, sinking to my inevitable death by quicksand.

2. Anything with no legs (snakes). The fact that they just slither around is what does it for me, and they’re FAST. People say you can’t outrun a snake but if it was outrun the snake or get bitten by it, my money’s on me being able to outrun it.

3. Carbon monoxide poisoning. Nope not burning alive in a house fire or getting burglarized in the middle of the night, carbon monoxide poisoning. I blame this on my mother who had carbon monoxide detectors in every room of the house when I was growing up. You do the math, two fire alarms, 9 carbon monoxide detectors, obviously the threat of death by carbon monoxide is greater.

4. Bed germs. Remember that commercial from a few years back, for like Downy or something, where the guy is all clean then goes to jump into bed, freeze frame with him hovering over the bed and all the bed germs are pointed out. This commercial has scarred me. They even say that it doesn’t matter if you shower before bed and clean your sheets often, your bed still has like a zillion germs on it. GAH-ROSS.

5. Diseases from a public toilet. I don’t even have to elaborate on this one, it’s rational.

6. People fainting on me. This happened to me once in grade school. I already don’t like it when people don’t have control over their own bodies, don’t get me involved.

7. My cat sucking my soul as I sleep. I’ve heard cats like to lay on top of babies and suck their breath as they sleep. This scares me, even though I’m not a baby and my cat’s shown zero interest in my soul.

8. Swimming in the ocean. Things touch you when you swim in the ocean, I’ll put my feet in but that’s as far as this is gonna go. And I wont even put my feet in a lake, all that stagnant dirty water.

9. People who wear fanny packs or adults wearing backpacks. These people are clearly up to something.



30 Aug

I went to IKEA for the first time the other day (yes I’ve been living under a rock). I’ve always heard about how great the prices are and how they have everything but I was not prepared for what I walked into.

First of all they shouldn’t be allowed to call this a store at all, more like a small island or a wish-you-owned-all-of-this-cool-stuff-mansion. It’s literally set up like a furnished house, you know if your house had a bunch of all the same thing and price tags everywhere. Oh and did I mention it’s HUGE. My husband and I went with my cousin just to check it out before we went to San Francisco for the day. But really we should have planned to spent the day at IKEA because that’s how long it takes you to find the exit once you enter.

The purpose of IKEA is to give you great ideas on how to modernly furnish a small space while staying organized and still having room for storage. It does a great job of it too. Walking around the “store” and every turn of a corner being in a new perfectly decorated room made me feel like I was at a friend’s house (not one of my friends obviously, they all have no sense of style or decorating) and I should just settle in for the night to watch Now And Then for the hundredth time.

Since we were just doing a quick stop in at IKEA, after 30 minutes barely making it through the kitchen chairs department, we decided we better go before we ended up staying the night. Their were exit signs everywhere but they all seemed to just wind us through every department (smart, very smart) and never to anything that looked remotely like an exit. Eventually we found our way up and down a few flights of stairs, through the actual warehouse where you pick up your chosen items, past the food court (there were two), and finally to the three-story parking lot.

In the end I decided I love IKEA. The next time I go it’ll most definitely be for a full day trip, I’ll rent a few moving vans and purchase one of everything. You can’t stop me.

The Hypnotist

29 Aug

My husband and I are fairly new to the city we live in. We made the long boring drive from Omaha, Nebraska to Lancaster, California just five short months ago. And aside from our forays to Los Angeles (an hour south) we don’t do much “hanging out” around the city we live in.

So when we heard about the Antelope County Fair blowing into town and had a chance to go we decided why the hell not? After all it couldn’t be worse than the Nebraska County Fair which is far from spectacular.

Um guys, it was FANTASTIC.

It wasn’t one of those fairs that was catered to children either, there were rides, live concerts (Miranda Lambert), mechanical bulls, turkey legs, free spin the wheel and win tropical vacations thingys, palm readers, and of course a hypnotist.

When we first arrived we weren’t really sure if it was going to be worth it, you had to pay 5$ to park a mile away (do you always have to pay to park here?!), and then you had to pay to get in! It was like some serious six-flag stuff. But the moment we emptied our wallets and were able to enter we knew it was worth it.

Immediately you can see there are a zillion things to do here and the smell the funnel cake wafting through the air wasnt bad either. Now not everything was great (old lady craft shows and some boring cooking tutorials) but we spent the first thirty minutes just walking around checking things out.

I’m one of those people who the second they go somewhere where there’s food, I’m hungry. So of course we had to eat. As we’re walking around checking out our food choices we notice a lonely mechanical bull just waiting to throw off its next innocent victim. So yes I made my husband ride it and yes I have pictures! And video! Now that’s ten dollars well spent.

So after eating and riding a few, not too crazy, rides we realize there’s a whole nother side to this fair thing! This side is more like the souvenir and random side shows side. And as we’re leisurely walking through it we see something magical. A full-blown hypnotist doing his thing on stage. I loved every second of it! We only caught the end of his act but the whole time you watch it you can’t help but think “is this real?”. At the end he announced he’ll be doing one more show for the night in an hour. Great, now we’ll get to see the whole thing!

My husband turns to me and says…….”I”m gonna do it.”


Me: “You’re gonna go up there and get hypnotized?”

Him: “Yeah, I wanna see if it works”

Now my husband is a skeptic with the best of ’em, psychics, palm readers, dinosaurs (I know! I’ve told him about fossils but he’s not buying it), and especially hypnotists. I thought this was going to be extremely funny, so I was all for it. We had an hour to kill so we went to watch this old couple who was a few stages away singing their hearts out to a two person audience, who we felt bad for so decided to double their audience with our presence. Then got me an icee for the show and headed back to Mr. Hypnotist (his name was David something, or Craig? no idea).

Now we didn’t see the beginning of the show last time so we weren’t sure how this was going to go. Dave (I’ve decided to call the hypnotist this), a 40 something year old, rather dorky guy gets on his mic and says to his considerable sized audience that anyone who wants to be hypnotized this show has to run up on stage and be one of the first to claim a chair by sitting in it. 76 people take off toward the stage, my husband one of them. Now because he skips the stairs entirely and dives onto the stage he’s one of the first to claim a chair. Let the show begin!

I’d like to point out that my husband REALLY wanted this to work, like follow every instruction exactly to hopefully fall into hypnosis. I’d also like to point out that being hypnotized is at the top of my not if I can help it list for myself. Which is why for the first ten minutes I paid very little attention to Dave, in fear of accidentally being hypnotized while sitting in the audience.

Nothing special happened anyway. It was a lot of Dave telling them to “close your eyes and image…” in his loud voice, um I think I could have done that myself. Anywhoo after about ten minutes they were all supposedly “asleep”. The whole time I’m obviously only watching my husband, because he’s the only one I know and therefore the only one I’ll be able to tell if this thing is real or not by watching to see if he acts out of character. Plus he told me he wouldn’t fake anything.

The first few things they did still sitting with their eyes closed, driving a car, playing a musical instrument, some weird wrist turning thing, but you couldn’t tell if they were still just following his instructions or were really asleep doing these things. My husband opened his eyes a few times during this and would shrug his shoulders like “nothings happening”. He looked really tired though and almost as if he wasn’t remembering the time that lapsed in between his eye openings.

I couldn’t really tell if anyone was faking it or not. At one point they were supposed to be in a movie theater watching a really scary movie and everyone was very convincing as they screamed, even my husband. He said he wasn’t gonna fake anything either, so this must be real!

Next everyone was instructed to do a dance to whatever music comes on and “Baby Got Back” starts streaming out of the speakers, as everyone on stage starts shaking their asses. I’ve been laughing for about 20 minutes now because to me all of this is hilarious. Even if it is fake.

Because Dave considered this his late show with his “adult” crowd (two five-year olds sitting next to me) his next plan was to send out the people he’s hypnotized into the audience to give some lap dances. Oh God.

At the point when they’ve just reached the audience and the “dancers” start going at it my husband goes over to talk to Dave quietly behind the crowd of people. I stand up to see better and can just make out Dave helping my husband up off the floor. What’s happened? Then he leaves the group and comes walking over to me.

Me: What’s wrong?

Him: Nothing it’s stupid it didn’t work. Everyone’s faking it.

Me: But what about all the stuff you did? You said you weren’t gonna fake it.

Him: I didn’t wanna ruin his show.

Me: Why were you on the floor?

Him: He threw me on the floor and told me to SLEEEP!

Me: He threw you on the floor and told you to SLEEEP?! Do you remember everything?

Him: Yeah.

Me: What about the movie thing and driving the car?

Him: Yeah I remember all of it. It was stupid.

And after that we sat and watched the rest of the show together. I still watched with a careful eye trying to figure these people out. Was everyone faking it just to not ruin this guys show? Seems sorta extreme. But what do I know I’m too afraid to even attempt getting hypnotized.

The next day after giving up on at least this guy being a legit hypnotist and while smacking each other on the head and saying SLEEEP! This magic happened…

Me: I don’t know some of it was kinda convincing.

Him: No it wasn’t the girl next to me was talking the whole time.

Me: But what about when you guys were playing the instruments? The one girl playing at the end was really going to town on her cello.

Him: Instruments?


Me: The instruments at the beginning, he told you guys you were in an orchestra band or something.

Him: I don’t remember that.

Me: No way! You were playing the violin!

Him: No I wasn’t.

Me: You don’t remember it?

Him: No. But I remember everything else.

So there you have it folks, hypnotists are REAL! He doesn’t remember the stuff from the beginning but distinctly remembers Dave talking too loud at some point, which I can only assume broke the hypnosis. I however will never agree to getting hypnotized and therefore instead of finding out for myself will just have to believe what my husband tells me, for once.

Year Of The Rabbit….

28 Aug

Now I wouldn’t say I’m overly into astrological signs or the zodiac calendar, I’m not checking my horoscope daily or anything, but I do think there’s some truth to it for everyone.

I was born in 1987 which makes me the year of the rabbit. I mean I guess I’m glad I’m not the pig but couldn’t I have been a dragon or something? The year of the rabbit is described as…

People born in the Year of the Rabbit are articulate, talented, and ambitious (go on, go on). They are virtuous, reserved, and have excellent taste (like food taste or taste in clothing?). Rabbit people are admired, trusted, and are often financially lucky (when is this gonna happen?). They are fond of gossip but are tactful and generally kind (uh huh). Rabbit people seldom lose their temper (lies!). They are clever at business and being conscientious, never back out of a contract. They would make good gamblers for they have the uncanny gift of choosing the right thing. However, they seldom gamble, as they are conservative and wise (I do like the sound of being “wise”).

….I’m just gonna go ahead and agree with all of this, because it makes me sound like an awesome human being and I AM articulate, seriously.

Born on January 6th I’m also a Capricorn, not too fond of this weird goat with a fish tail symbol either but it’s described as…

The Capricorn individual is stable, hard-working, practical, methodical, and ambitious (that’s twice with this “ambitious” word, must be true), never losing sight of their goals regardless of how many obstacles are in the way. Capricorn on the outside is a cool, calm, reserved individual with powerful inner strength who possesses the innate ability to rise to the top through unflinching conviction and sheer perseverance (all the way to the TOP!). This is a rather stoic person who more than anything else enjoys power, respect, and authority, and who is willing to toe the line for as long as it takes to achieve their goals (who are you calling stoic? oh it’s a good thing? carry on). Inwardly, however, Capricorn may not be the self-confident pillar of strength that they appear to be, and when their power or authority is compromised, they may make flawed decisions that could cause everything they have worked for to go down in flames in a spectacular way (at least the flames will be spectacular, right?).

I also specifically looked up the “negative traits” of being a Capricorn and apparently I’m materialistic, am prone to mood swings, thrifty (which is just a nice way of saying cheap), insecure, a pessimist, cynical, and often self-centered.

I’ll take it all, hell who isn’t a self-centered insecure cheap pessimist these days anyway?

“I won’t be like my parents when I grow up…”

27 Aug

When you’re little you constantly tell yourself I won’t be like my parents when I grow up. Which is smart, as a generation we should try to do better than the ones before us and learn from their mistakes. Then one day after years of life experience and not really thinking about it much, you’re 24-year-old self wakes up to realize you’re EXACTLY like your mother. But instead of this realization sending you spiraling into a deep ice cream eating depression, you also realize, you wouldn’t want to be like anyone else.

My mother is my favorite person, cheesy I know, but true. And by saying we’re alike I don’t mean we dress the same (God no) or share the same love of wilderness decor (sorry Mom), but we do think the same, we react the same and we make each other laugh the same. My mom is pretty hysterical and on more than one occasion I’ve found myself on the other end of a two-hour phone call (she lives in Colorado) with her just laughing our asses off at nothing in particular. It’s pretty great.

I can tell my mother anything, now let’s be real it wasn’t always sunshine and daisies but thankfully along with growing up came the maturity of our relationship. Not everyone is as fortunate to not only have a mother but a friend. Someone to share all your woes and triumphs. Someone to tell you youre dreams are never too big. Someone to make you pancakes in the morning, no matter how old you get. Someone to teach you how to raise a baby (now this hasn’t happened yet but my mother was endless support when my sister started having kids so I can only hope she’ll do the same for me). Someone to run to if the world comes crumbling down around you. Someone to visit in a nursing home as soon as she turns 60 ;). Just kidding of course, kinda.

So if I had the opportunity to go back and tell my-always-panicking-14-year-old-self that becoming exactly like my mother in ten years was completely unavoidable, but not to worry she’s the only person you would ever want to be, I probably wouldn’t. I wouldn’t wanna lose the feeling of waking up this morning and feeling incredibly proud of the person my mother is and the woman she has made me.

Jackets Are Back!!

27 Aug

My favorite time of year is when stores bring back the winter clothes. It’s usually well before winter too, that’s their ploy to get you to buy crap early. Which is actually pretty stupid, cause there’s nothing more annoying than going shorts shopping in August and finding only jeans in every store, it’s 104 degrees outside. Jeans really? And I refuse to be one of those people who time-travels back to the 80’s and turns a perfectly good pair of jeans into a not even almost okay pair of shorts, fraying at the ends where you’ve cut them, not happening.

I do however LOVE when they replace bathing suits with a brand new stock of jackets in preparation for the coming winter. I say jackets because they’re more like a light something you can throw on over anything and while keeping you warm aren’t the same intensity as wearing a big bulky winter coat. I’m sort of obsessed with jackets, and other than hurting my piggy bank I think it falls under the safe obsession category. I’ll even go as far as wearing a jacket when it’s completely unnecessary, no shame in my game.

I have a closet (or two) completely filled with jackets, zip-up hoodies, and pea coats (the only kind of coat you’ll catch me wearing). I consider this my pride and joy. Okay maybe not pride but some definite joy. Yeah you’re right jacket lovers anonymous here I come.

People Do The Darndest Things At The Airport

27 Aug

I was at the Airport the other day just dropping my cousin off. In our family we love each other but we definitely do the airport “drop off”. In LA you already have to pay to park everywhere you go, so there’s no way I’m paying to park at the airport. Not to mention if I did park I’d be even more turned around and lost trying to get out of there and would probably spend at least 20 minutes just looping the airport trying to find the right highway.

So there I was getting ready to pull out of the “drop off” zone when one of those little shuttles pulls up right next to me, blocking my only way out. The door swings open and a few people file out. Among these people was a man who sets his enormous suitcase down inches from my car door, then disappears back into the shuttle to retrieve more. Ten minutes and six suitcases surrounding my car later, the shuttle is finally able to be on its merry way. I however am now sitting in my car surrounded by this mans luggage. Where was he going anyway? Who brings six giant suitcases with them anywhere? Did he have a family to dress or just himself? Did he realize the price of checking a baggage nowadays? Would it really have been too hard to put all of the luggage on the sidewalk that’s only ten feet away to begin with? I see a lot of people wearing cargo pants are they making a come back? God I hope not. I clearly had a lot of time on my hands. I heard the new Lil Wayne jam at least twice on the radio while I waited. I probably should have asked him if he needed help but I figured it would make a solid new blog post so I just waited it out.

Now lets talk about what people wear to the airport, this is my FAVORITE! If you’re one of those people who like to just watch people and then make up what you’re sure is their entire life story, like myself, then I’m sure you’ve already had a fantastic time watching people at the airport. It’s like universal “laundry-day”. People wearing things that don’t match, crocs, slippers, things that don’t fit anymore, basically anything that you would wear around your house but not usually out in public, unless it’s to the airport. All under the veil of “comfort”. So because of this anytime I have to got to the airport I show up at least three hours early. I wanna get there and get my popcorn in time to see the kids on leashes and families who all wear the same outfit. If you’re doing the airport with six strong or more it’s basically a rule that you have to dress the same, right? Oh it’s not? Well it should be.

About a year ago me and my husband were flying to Colorado to attend my mother’s wedding. It was rather uneventful except for the kid who kept shooting us. No not literally, we’re talking finger guns and loud “pow, pow” noises made with his mouth. He was probably about three, we asked him but he seemed confused because we weren’t speaking spanish. Where was his mother? He was running,  jumping, climbing on things, shooting his imaginary gun at us. She eventually sauntered over to where we were (she was busy on the phone). In a place where they tell you not to even leave your bags unattended you’d think people might at least keep an eye on their kids. Nah, what fun would that be. Don’t get me wrong I like kids but only the kind that are at that age where they just wanna carry stuff for you and play with your hair, what age is that? About four? Get back to me in a year gun-slinger.